The Role(s) of Control in Life and Loving Relationships

It is amazing how frequently I see that people tend to think of “control” as being a less than good (or even bad). Yet let’s remember two things: (1) control is the ability to purposefully direct, suppress and/or change; and (2) if we didn’t exercise some controls in our lives, our lives would be in total chaos. When talking with my “pro bono clients” about control issues in their lives, I frequently challenge them with two questions: (1) are you controlling things in your life in ways that make your life and the way you live it better? and, (2) are there any other controls that you could exercise that would improve your life and the way you live it?

In my 33 years of work as a licensed psychologist, specializing in working with couples, one of the primary problem areas people in troubled loving relationships had to attend to was their “control issues” – within themselves and their loving relationships. “Control problems in relationships” typically are related to the couple’s boundaries and associated controls. For example, in my co-authored book with Dr. William A. Lambos, Our Loving Relationship, we discuss these two latter phenomena directly:

Boundaries are the limits of how far you can go and remain comfortable with yourself. Boundaries define the “space” in which a given individual is not invited or welcomed at a given time.

Controls are those things you do to assure that you stay within your boundaries and assure that other people do not violate your comfort zone.

In two of my three novels, “control” is directly and portrayed. For example, In My Sweetpea: Seven Years and Seven Days, as Sheila and Troy’s marriage starts to fall apart, his “active control” and her “passive control” quickly turns their relationship dance from a foxtrot to a Macarena. And in If Ever Again… It’ll be for Love, after Diane divorces her over-controlling husband, recovers and then starts to fall in love with Michael, she subconsciously perceives many of his loving gestures as controlling. (As I discuss in Chapter 4 of my pop-psych book, Living Life, Anyway – 2^nd Edition, “…we can control things actively by ‘what we do’ and we also can control things passively by “what we don’t do’.”)

Interestingly, when my “clients” who are in recovery tell me that they are staying sober because they “gave up control” (e.g., “Let go, let god.”), I ask them: “When you choose to give up control, isn’t that a form of control?”

Aspects and phenomena regarding “control in life” and “control in loving relationships” easily could entail a book’s worth of address and discussion. To wit, this herein discussion doesn’t even scratch the surface. Nonetheless, I hope my musings have challenged you to think about the issue(s) of control and how it interfaces with your life and the way you live it... as well as your adult loving relationships.

Question: How was or has been “control” been good (or bad) aspects of your life and your loving relationships?

Bill

Humor: A Nice Spice in Novels

Humor tends to play an important role in my life… in addition to the entertainment factor of good old “funny,” comic relief can be very relieving in daunting and stressful situations. To wit, I spice up my novels with humor; my reading fan tell me that they appreciate the humor in itself and also recognize that the placing of the humor releases some of the tension they are feeling for and with the characters at that respective moment. There are, moreover, different kinds of humor.

In Chapter 6 of My Sweetpea: Seven Years and Seven Days, for example, we can see what I call “funny yet sad” humor. Frank, the hero’s father – an alcoholic who treats his wife, Doris, in ways that would make Archie Bunker look like a saint – treats the hero and the heroin and her parents to dinner at a fancy restaurant. When everyone has finished eating and is readying to leave the restaurant, Frank asks everyone to go to the bar so he can treat to a round of drinks. Everyone politely says, “No thank you…” The scene ends, however, in a humorous yet sad way:

As the waitress returned to the table with a stack of Go-Boxes, she neatly set Henry and Susan’s two boxes in front of them. “Frank, thank you again so much for dinner. This was a wonderful opportunity for all of us to finally meet,” Henry cordially said to Frank.

“My pleasure I assure you. And you sure you don’t want to join us in the lounge for a nightcap? I don’t want to have to go into the lounge with Doris and be by myself.”

In Chapter 18 of Fear of Feeling Loved, we can see what I refer to as “funny wording” humor. Marcia, the heroin, and the hero’s (Jack’s) teenage daughter are at Jack’s house trying to be helpful by doing some house painting. While in the garage they accidently spill a can of green paint on Jack’s beautiful Harley Davidson Road King motorcycle. They decide to wait until he returns before trying to clean it up. The scene is described as follows, humorously describing Jack’s reaction:

Twenty minutes later, they heard Jack pull up to the garage. Then they heard the garage door open and the door to Jack’s SUV close. They also heard the faint sounds of the opening and the closing of the backdoor hatch as he got things out. Marcia and Christine looked into each other’s eyes, visualizing Jack entering the garage.

Then they heard it – the sound coming from the garage was somewhere between a coyote howling at the moon and an opera singer passing a stone.

And in Chapter 9 of If Ever Again… It’ll be for Love, we can see what I call “cute” humor. Diane, a divorced single mom, is on a five-day vacation at a resort in Jamaica. She meets the hero, Michael, and before leaving her room to meet Michael for dinner she is missing her little girl terribly, calls home and speaks to Carol (her friend who’s been watching her five-year old daughter, Rebecca) and then Rebecca:

Diane’s heart glowed when she heard Rebecca say, “Hi mommy!” A few minutes later, after hearing Rebecca tell her all about how Teddy was being good and taking care of her, Diane said, “Mommy has to get ready for dinner, so I have to go. I love you, honey. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“I know,” Rebecca replied excitedly.

“And what are you doing tonight, honey?” Diane nonetheless asked.

“We’re not making a chocolate cake for you.”

“Oh, okay.” Diane could hear Carol laughing.

In my latest pop-psych book, Living Life, Anyway, I have a chapter on “Living Life, Humorously.” Simply said, there are many speed bumps and pot holes in the road of life – the ability to appropriately laugh at them, and at times even at yourself, indeed can make ones life-journey more pleasant, happier and functional, as well as less stressful and more meaningful.

If you have a humorous experience that was simultaneously funny and helpful in some way, please share it.

Bill

New Pop-Psych Book – Living Life Anyway – 2nd Edition

As you very well may have seen in my November 11, 2010 Post, after retiring from the University of South Florida last May I took a much-needed hiatus from writing. Yes, I do have my next novel about 80% outlined and have been reading voraciously since, but I also have been busy doing other things with my wordsmith passion. For example, I recently have been working hard on getting my three “tree book” novels up and available as e-books (which will be the topic of my next Post). Moreover, I completed and published the second edition of my 2002 pop-psych book: Living Life, Anyway – 2^nd Edition.
Numerous friends and fans have been asking me about this latest book and thus I thought I’d take a moment to tell you about it.

The double entendre in the title of this book captures it all. Living Life is what it’s all about– not existing through life or struggling through life, but living life. Moreover, you can live your life anyway –anyway meaning “any way you want to live your life” and anyway meaning “in spite of the unwanted and undeserved dirty deals your life may have handed you.” For many people, life’s most important journey is an inward journey… a life of inward travel. Seriously and humorously, the book’s 22 chapters address living life: Consciously, Presently, Hopefully, Autonomously, Interdependently, Congruently, Trustingly, Honestly, Fearlessly, Temporally, Passionately, Responsibly, Structurally, Compartmentally, Purposefully, Serenely, Spiritually, Morally, Genuinely, Lovingly, Peacefully and Happily. This book, an enjoyable and fun read, and offers many opportunities to seriously look within and appreciate that in spite of outside turmoil and difficulties, a person still can live a meaningful and happy life, anyway.
If you have any questions or comments regarding this 2^nd Edition of Living Life, Anyway, please let me know. If not, enjoy reading it (if you already haven’t).

Til next time when I’ll tell you about my three soon-to-be-published e-books,

Bill

The Changing Face of the United States

As I have mentioned on numerous occasions, for the past five months I have been heavily involved with my co-editors and co-authors in the writing and editing of five books – two self-help books and three textbooks. I am delighted to tell you that all publishers’ deadlines have been met thus far and four of the five books should be out and available within the next four to six weeks. As soon as they are, I will be sure to let you know.

Unfortunately, my non-teaching time has been understandably devoted to these five books and thus I have been somewhat remiss and behind on posting Posts on my blog. Nonetheless, as soon as these four of my five books are out the door and off my plate, I again will return to posting Posts on a regular weekly basis. This past week, however, I had a powerful, personal experience that I had not predicted and quickly want to share it with you.

On numerous occasions this past Tuesday night as I was watching the election results (way into the night), I had tears in my eyes. The results and especially the speeches by Senator Obama and Senator McCain ushered back many memories – I vividly recall when an African-American woman, Rosa Parks, wasn’t allowed on a city bus, the landmark Brown versus the Board of Education case, Dr. Martin Luther King’s 1963 Lincoln Memorial speech, and among other galvanizing recollections seeing helmeted Chicago police officers on horseback hitting demonstrating citizens at the 1968 Democratic Convention with their nightsticks. Then it struck me – cognitively as well as emotionally: the face of United States is no longer that of an economically comfortable Caucasian male with graying hair… the face of the United States is a collage of young and old, male and female, white-, African-, Hispanic- and Asian-Americans (among others) struggling to make ends meet.

Personally, I embrace and welcome and am genuinely excited by this change; moreover, I am enjoying a strong sense of optimism regarding our future. And while the light at the end of the tunnel may be a while in coming, I also believe that as a society we will slowly move from our somewhat still existent, self-centered “me-ism” and collectively demonstrate a genuine sense of “we-ism” – all of which will further reveal the melting-pot essence of our country.

Question: What do you think and how do you feel about the changing face of the United States?

Bill

Special Book Discount (with Promo Code)… for Mom and Dad’s Special Day

As we all know, the next two months contain two special days:

Mother's Day -- May 11th

and

Father's Day -- June 15th.

Most people have their own personal “historical considerations” of these two holidays – e.g., the family taking Mom out to her favorite restaurant, her poised at the head of the table, and the family putting on a special barbeque for Dad, everyone centered around him in a new lounge chair. Nonetheless, these two special days have interesting histories.

Regarding Mother’s Day, people in many ancient cultures celebrated holidays honoring motherhood, personified as a goddess. Here are just a few of those: (1) ancient Greeks celebrated a holiday in honor of Rhea, the mother of the gods; (2) ancient Romans celebrated a holiday in honor of Cybele, a mother goddess, March 22-25; these celebrations were notorious enough that followers of Cybele were banished from Rome in the British Isles; and (3) in Celtic Europe, the goddess Brigid, and later her successor St. Brigid, were honored with a spring Mother’s Day, connected with the first milk of the ewes. Other aspects of the history and awe of Mother’s Day can be found in the following interesting sites:
* Mothering Sunday in Britain
* Mothers' Work Days
* Julia Ward Howe’s Mother's Day
* Anna Jarvis and Mother’s Day
* Carnations, Anna Jarvis, and Mother’s Day
* International Mother’s Days Today
* Mother’s Day Statistics
* Mother’s Day Proclamations
* Famous Mothers
* Quotes on Mothers and Motherhood
* Ideas for Mother’s Day
* Motherhood in History

Regarding Father’s Day, in 1926 a National Father’s Day Committee was formed in New York City and was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father’s Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. Interestingly, Father’s Day was born in memory and gratitude by a daughter who thought that her father and all good fathers should be honored with a special day just like we honor our mothers on Mother’s Day. Other aspects of the history and awe of Father’s Day can be found in the following interesting sites:
* Father’s Day at Alphabet Soup
* Barbara’s Entourage – A Tribute to Father
* Billy Bear’s Happy Father’s Day
* Marvelicious Happy Father’s Day
* Father’s Day on the Net - Welcome
* National Center for Fathering
* Father’s Day at 20ishParents.com

Today, with the assistance of my publisher, I set up a special Website discount for my pop-psych book, Mom and Dad’s Pearls of Wisdom… You Gotta Love ’Em, with a Promo Code: MD0801 for my blog fans to purchase this book up to June 15^th at a 25% discount. Furthermore, if you go to my Website and click on the link for this book, you will find that there now are 10 of the book’s 50 Chapters available for your reading pleasure, free. I trust that you will enjoy reading these Sample Chapters.

Interestingly, this week I received an e-mail from a fan who said, “Last year I bought a copy of Mom and Dad’s Pearls of Wisdom… You Gotta Love ’Em for my mom – she loved it! This year, sad to say, my mom’s no longer with us. However, I’m going to buy two books this year – one for my daughter… who is a Mom, and one for my son… who is a Dad.”

Question: Do Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have any special “historical considerations” for you?

Bill

The Dangers of “All-or-Nothing Thinking” in Adult Loving Relationships

One recent one Friday night after one of my co-ed softball games, a couple of my teammates and I went to the bar that sponsors our team to lift a few eight ounce curls and celebrate our victory. Amid the enjoyable cajoling and imbibing, a buddy of mine was talking to me about his new girlfriend and said, “About a month ago when she and I first met, she promised me that she’d always come out to our games and join us afterwards. Tonight she called me and said that she had had a tough day at work and just wanted to go home and chill out. Ticked me off! She invited me to stop by after the game, but I told her I had a tough day too. I don’t think this is going to work. She came to all the other games! No…I don’t think this is going to work.”

I enjoy spending time with my buddy, albeit that he tends to be an all-or-nothing kind of person. And as we discussed his thoughts and feelings about his girlfriend not coming to our game, I shared with him that it might be helpful for him to remember that almost everything in life is within a range. “We do have a few things that are all-or-nothing such as death and pregnancy. You either are…or you aren’t,” I added. “Even being ‘near death’ is not death.” He understood what I was suggesting – “So it’s like tonight when I made one error in the game, I said, ‘I played a terrible game tonight’.” As I smiled and clinked his glass with mine, I said with a bit of sarcasm, “Exactly, nobody noticed the great catch you made in the third inning or the three-run home run you hit in the fifth.”

An interesting eharmony.com article entitled What ‘All-or-Nothing” Says About You, captures my buddy’s approach and what I think is underlying his difficulties in his adult loving relationships: “A recent study conducted at Yale University found that people who think about their partner in fluctuating terms of all good or all bad suffered from poor self-esteem. They also tended to get into relationships quickly and idealized their partners as being better than they really were in reality. Then when they perceived even the smallest of faults in their partner, they tended to withdraw into themselves in an attempt to avoid feelings of disappointment. Overly critical, all-or-nothing thinkers stifle their own needs until their lack of fulfillment explodes into criticisms and resentments. Over time they may not have any idea what they’re looking for in a partner.”

In my contemporary romance novels, I occasionally address this phenomenon. For example, in my recent novel, If Ever Again…It’ll be for Love, when Diane and Michael were on vacation in Jamaica for a week, where and when they met, she thought he was perfect. When they returned to the real world, however, the first time he was unable to do something she invited him to do (he had a business meeting) she seriously considered ending their relationship.

In my pop-psych book, Living Life, Anyway, in Chapter 7 when discussing “Living Life, Trustingly” I talk about some of the vicissitudes of all-or-nothing, dichotomous kinds of thinking. Below is that part of that chapter that I want to share with you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Sometimes our relationships with other people take on “all or nothing” kinds of considerations. Now and then I will hear someone say, “I am either going to spend the rest of my life with Tommy or I am going to leave him by the end of next week,” “If I can’t trust my boss in every way, then I can’t trust him in any way,” and “If he doesn’t want to spend the entire weekend with me, then I’ll tell him not to come at all.” Also known as “dichotomous thinking,” this kind of thought processing easily can erode potentially good relationships because it focuses on one of two extremes, and that is not always a fair way of evaluating or putting expectations on people. To illustrate, it may be reasonable for your boss to trust you to lock up the office on Friday afternoon, but not to take an important client out for drinks on a Saturday night. Likewise, it may be reasonable for a busy person with an important sales meeting on Monday morning to want to spend Friday evening through Sunday midday with you, and not want to stay with you until Sunday night. And when situations such as these bother you or confuse you, try to remember that there is a good possibility that the person may very well be making his or her decision because of many things other than you. “After all,” as one of my students poignantly said to me, “there are more important things in the world other than myself, inasmuch as I would like to believe otherwise.” (pp. 58-59)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Question: Have you ever had difficulties in an adult loving relationship because you or your partner was engaging in all-or-nothing kinds of thinking?

Bill

Do You Tell Little White Lies? (Or do you lie about that too?)

Most people like to think of themselves and portray themselves as “an honest person.” As some of you know, in my novels, pop-psych books and self-help books the phenomena of honesty, dishonesty and deceit are frequently discussed and illustrated (as well of the many ramifications of them). When I perchance look at people’s self-written profiles on websites such as match.com and eharmony.com, it is not uncommon to find statements such as, “One thing you can count on is that I am an honest person,” and “My friends all know me as an honest person.” What they are saying is that they are an honest person – they tell the truth and don’t lie (by design, omission or commission). And lets’ remember: A lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement with the intention to deceive, often with the further intention to maintain a secret or reputation, or to avoid punishment.

Interestingly, nonetheless, everything2.com says, “Honest people are the best liars. A truism of the human condition. Everyone lies, even if it is unintentional. The true masters of the art are the honest ones; they can remember what they said to one person and make sure they don’t contradict themselves when talking to another. Their mind carefully ticks and tocks, maintaining a delicate equilibrium of deceit."

By now you’re probably thinking, “I hear you, Bill, but I AM an honest person.” Okay I believe you. But just between you and me, let me ask you: have you ever made any of the following statements and not really meant it?

"It's so nice to see you."

“Glad you called.”

“I’d love to chat but I’m late for a meeting.”

“My cell phone battery was down.”

“I’ve been so busy this week… we’re really slammed at work.”

“I’m working on it as we speak.”

“Jeez… I’d love to but I already have a previous commitment that day.”

“I’m really looking forward to seeing you.”

“Oh this is delicious.”

“You know I’m always honest with you.”

(Or should I have asked, “When was the last time you made a statement like any of these?”)

In essence, statements like those above typically are considered “white lies.” According to wikipedia.org, “A white lie would cause no discord if it were uncovered and offers some benefit to the liar or the hearer, or both. As a concept, it is largely defined by local custom and cannot be clearly separated from regular lies with any authority. As such the term may have differing meanings in different cultures. Lies which are harmless but told for no reason are generally not called white lies.”

Marc, of marcandangel.com, posted what he considered the 15 most common white lies:

1. It wasn’t me! – Because some things just aren’t worth taking credit for.
2. The table will be ready in 5 minutes. – Because it sounds a lot better than 15 minutes.
3. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. – Because option B involves admitting that I am clueless.
4. Thank you so much! I just love it! – Because telling someone that their gift sucked would make me look like an insensitive jerk.
5. Yeah, you look great in that dress. – Because it’s better than being slapped.
6. Oh, things would have been different if I was there! – Because I’m Superman and I can always make a difference… or at least that’s how I want others to perceive of me.
7. No, officer… I have no idea how fast I was going. – Because claiming ignorance is sometimes better than admitting to insubordination.
8. I’m 29. – Because 29 is like 20 years younger than 30.
9. Yeah, I’ll start working on that ASAP! – Because telling you I have 10 things to do first would just irritate you.
10. Yes, John was with me last night. – Because that’s what friends do… we agree and ask questions later.
11. My resume is 5 pages long for a good reason. – Because I’m darn good at bullsh….’!
12. Man, that sucker was 10 feet long! – Because anything less would be boring.
13. Yeah, I was a badass on my high school football team! – Because I want to be seen by others in an even stronger light than I see myself.
14. I’m 21, 6’5, with a muscular build. – Because you can’t see me in this online chat room… ha ha!
15. I thought I already sent that email out. I’m sure I did. – Because telling you that it was a low priority and I forgot would probably hurt our relationship.

As posted by listafterlist.com, here are the first seven of their top ten white lies that men tell women (for some reason their numbers 8, 9 and 10 are missing from their site):

1. “Me? I graduated top of my class.”

2. “Of course I like your friends!”

3. “Honey, you’re the best.”

4. “No, I can’t call you. I don’t even know where I’ll be.”

5. “That dress isn’t too tight. It looks great!”

6. “They’re downsizing at work. But don’t worry. They won’t get me.”

7. “Sure, I’ll mow the lawn — as soon as this crick in my back goes away.”

Askmen.com lists and discusses (in reverse order) the top 10 lies women tell men. Below is their list (with only the first line or two from each):

Number 10

Oh, come on, do you really believe that she wouldn’t change anything about you? Anything? Reality check: There are probably many things about you that she’d like to change.

Number 9

No matter how great your friends are, your girlfriend doesn’t want them around all the time. Even though she might have told you this little white lie when you first started dating, don’t expect it to last past the Super Bowl.

Number 8

Once again, this is a lie your girlfriend might tell you at the beginning of your relationship. She’ll say that she really doesn’t mind picking up the dirty dishes you leave lying around and that she just loves doing the laundry. I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t going to last either.

Number 7

If you’re lucky, your girlfriend may not be lying when she tells you that she loves spending time with your family. However, if she secretly despises them, she probably won’t tell you in order to spare your feelings.

Number 6

Ah, another first date classic. She may tell you that she just loves watching Monday Night football in order to prove that she’s not like all the other girls and that you have common interests. But unless you’re lucky enough to have found one of the rare true female sports fans out there, within a few weeks, she’ll probably be complaining every time you sit down to watch a game.

Number 5

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the better part of your adult life, you’ve probably figured out that this is a trap. No matter what you say, she will get angry. If you try to tell her that she looks great, she’ll accuse you of lying to make her feel better about her rhinoceros butt. On the other hand, if you tell her that she has, in fact, put on a couple of pounds, you’re likely to set off a war in your living room.

Number 4

Do your arguments with your girlfriend usually end up with her admitting that you’re right and that you know better than her? And you actually believe her? Even if she realizes she’s wrong, chances are slim to none that she’ll actually admit it. The fact is that many women will tell you that you’re right to shut you up, but what they’re really thinking is: “He’ll find out soon enough that I’m right.”

Number 3

Although she may say this at first to seem cool and open-minded, chances are that it secretly drives her nuts when you eyeball the hot redhead at the grocery store. It’s quite simple: She wants to feel like you only have eyes for her even though she may not look like Pamela Anderson’s long-lost twin.

Number 2

Although it isn’t true that all women care about is the size of a man’s bank account, most women want a guy who is financially stable and independent. No, they don’t all want a sugar daddy; they just want to know that their man is capable of taking care of a potential future family.

Number 1

Most men will have temporary erectile difficulties at some point in their lives and most women are aware of this fact. However, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother your girlfriend when you’re getting hot and heavy and suddenly there’s nothing happening down there. This lie is only one of the dozens of sex-related lies that women tell to spare their partner’s feelings, including the classics “size doesn’t matter” and “you’re the best I’ve ever had.”

I hope you enjoyed these above lists. I really do. Trust me!

Question: What do you do to avoid committing white lies?

Bill