“Loving” versus “Being Loving” in Romantic Adult Loving Relationships

As we all know, in adult loving romantic relationships, it understandably is important for both individuals to feel loving toward each other. Nonetheless, it also is important for each of them to act loving toward each other.

The importance of being loving toward a loved one is discussed in a very enlightening article, “The Relationship Between Feelings and Behavior” by Sidney D. Craig, Ph.D. Likewise, Margaret Paul, Ph.D., talks about this as well in her article, “Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior.” And if your interest is still peaked, the writings entitled “Philosophy of Love” are also rather eye-opening.

In my romance novels, I purposefully address such kinds of adult romantic relationship issues and portray them through the thoughts, behaviors and verbalizations of the characters. For example, in my most recent novel, If Ever Again… It’ll be for Love, Diane is talking with Michael while on vacation in Jamaica after returning from a piano bar (where their friend Frieda had sung a lovely song, “Mr. Wonderful” to her husband, Henry.) It also is important to know that Diane’s is a recovering alcoholic and her ex-husband’s name is Richard. Here’s a scene from Chapter Seven of If Ever Again… It’ll be for Love:

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After dinner, Diane and Michael sat on the restaurant’s back porch in their favorite wicker chairs and enjoyed a cup of coffee. “One of the things that impressed me about Henry and Frieda,” Michael said, “was how they attended to each other and were so loving to each other.”

“Yeah, that was awesome, wasn’t it,” Diane said with a smile. “Those are two different things though,” Diane then said in a serious tone.

“What two things, Dee?” Michael asked somberly.

“The difference between loving someone and being loving toward them.”

“I think I know what you mean, but could you give an example?”

“Sure,” Diane said. “I never doubted that my mother loved me. Likewise, I never doubted that Richard loved me. The problem was that neither of them knew how to be loving. Okay, so my mother loved me, but the poor woman just didn’t have the skills, the machinery, the equipment, to be loving. She just wasn’t a loving woman.”

“In a somewhat similar way, one of my coaches use to say, ‘To be a winner, you have the head and heart for the game, but you also have to have the skills.’”

“Spot on, O Great One. But do you also understand what I was saying?”

“You mean sort of like, ‘The best way for me to tell you I love you, is to be loving toward you’?”

Diane smiled and looked away. “Piss me off,” she said, tongue-in-cheek, after a pause.

“What?” Michael asked.

“Are you always right?”

“Well, when it comes to you, I hope I am.”

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Question: Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who loved you but wasn’t loving toward you?

Bill