Learned Helplessness and Hopelessness... It Can be Unlearned

I many times have said to my clients and friends, “The only thing worse than a feeling of helplessness is a feeling of hopelessness.”

As I am writing about in one of my two companion, self-help books, My Adult Loving Relationships, this postulate became eminently clear to me a couple of years ago when I was talking with a woman I shall refer to as Jill, a 32 year old school teacher who had been living with her boyfriend for two years prior to coming to see me. After they agreed to end their relationship, she moved into her own apartment and soon began feeling very depressed.

As I was talking with Jill, I shared with her three statements that she made to me during our conversation: (1) “I don’t like what happened between Rick and me;” (2) “I am feeling very down and depressed about it;” and, (3) “There’s nothing that I can do about it.” As she looked at the three statements that I had written on a piece of paper for her, I said to her, “Jill, it looks to me like you went from feelings of disappointment, to feelings of depression, to feelings of despair. First you were disappointed because of what happened, then you began feeling very down and sad about what had happened, and then you began feeling that no matter what you did it would not make any difference.”

As Jill nodded in agreement, she began sobbing. By the time she composed herself, our session was just about over. I asked her if she would agree to a homework assignment. She nodded, “Yes.” I asked her to pretend that I, Bill Emener, had just ended a three year relationship with a girlfriend with whom I had been living. I also asked her to pretend that I had been feeling incredible disappointment, sadness, depression and despair. I also asked her to assume that she and I were good friends. I then said to her, “Jill, what would you suggest that I do? I would like you to write a letter to me and put it in the mail by the end of this week. Give me a list of suggestions and recommendations, things that I could do, to help myself.”
As she left my office, she said, “You will have my letter by next Monday.”

When Jill came to see me two weeks later, I handed her the letter that she had written to me. The only difference was that I had crossed off my name, “Bill”, and entered the name “Jill” wherever my name had appeared in the letter. I said to her, “Jill, I would like you to assume that you have just received this letter from a good friend. Please read it out loud.”

She read the letter aloud and by the time she got to the end she had a big smile on her face. She turned to me and said, “You know, Dr. Emener, for whatever it is worth, these ten suggestions that are listed here are really very good recommendations!” I said to her, “Yes they are, Jill, whoever wrote that letter really knows what she’s talking about!” She laughed.

I then looked at her and said, “There is only one question remaining, Jill. If these are such good recommendations, and if they come from such an intelligent person, then why can’t you listen to them and try to do what is being suggested?”

Jill answered me by saying, “The last time I was here in your office, I was so emotionally caught up in my feelings that I totally shut off my brain. I honestly felt that not only did I think that nothing would work, but I didn’t even think that I was capable of coming up with any halfway decent ideas or recommendations of what to do about my situation.” I believed her.

At our next session, Jill told me about all of the exciting and helpful things she had been doing to help herself. The fact that Jill was not only doing helpful things, but was doing things that were her own ideas, also contributed to her self-esteem and sense of self-worth. That was the last that I ever saw Jill.

A few months later, when the weather had turned colder, I received a post card from the island of Nassau. On the back was an inscription that included, “I am helplessly and hopelessly in love with this place! Having a wonderful time! Your good friend, Jill.”

Question: In trying and helpless situations, what do you do to avoid feeling hopeless?

Bill