Apologizing and Meaning It – Some Concrete Suggestions

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been slammed with student reports, term papers and final exams (not to mention working on two books under contract) – the reason for my not being around and posting Posts. To wit, I apologize and henceforth will try to be timelier. During these past two weeks, moreover, on numerous occasions a very close friend of mine has repeatedly not called back when he said he would, has shown up for dinner meetings twenty to twenty-five minutes late, etc., and on every occasion said, “I apologize for…” I gently confronted him today about his pattern of irresponsibleness, and we were able to address the issues and mend any possible effects on our long-term friendship. The experience, however, did give me pause to give some in-depth considerations about “apologizing.”

Fundamentally, an apology is a justification or defense of an act or idea, from the Greek apologia (απολογία). An apology can also be an expression of contrition and remorse for something done wrong. And, interestingly, a non-apology apology is a statement in the form of an apology that is nothing of the sort, a common gambit in politics and public relations. I also want to point out that at times on-apology apologizers may be trying to avoid litigation that might result from an admission of guilt or responsibility

Plato’s Apology is in the widest sense an example of forensic oratory, in which Socrates defends himself in court against his accusers. The Apology is also an important example of a fairly extensive literature designed to defend Socrates against his detractors and to present what his defenders believed to be the real Socrates.

If you find yourself apologizing a lot, pay attention to it – ESPECIALLY IS A PATTERN IS EMERGING. And in such cases, you may want to pause and take a look at your life and how you’re living it (unless you’re an irresponsible person in the first place). However, if you are a responsible person, you genuinely feel remorse for your transaction with someone important to you and you want truly want to apologize, here are some suggestions that will help the other person think and feel that you really mean it:

1. If possible, say it face-to-face – don’t type it on a computer or say express it via a text message or an e-mail.
2. Express your apology in the beginning of your conversation: “I am so sorry. . . .” or “I want to apologize for. . . .”
3. State exactly what you did wrong early: “I shouldn't have lost my temper when. . . . ” or “I have looked all over, but I’m afraid I have lost your book. . . .”
4. Accept responsibility for what you did and don’t blame the other person: “I accept full responsibility for what happened. . . .” or “I know this was completely my fault. . . .”
5. Promise in your apology not to repeat your offensive action and ask the injured or hurt party to give you an opportunity to prove this to them.
6. Suggest that the two of you get together at a restaurant or some other non-threatening place so that you can begin to rebuild or strengthen your relationship.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. If not, I apologize (LOL).

Question: Has this ever happened to you?

Bill