The Importance of Consistency Between Behavior and Perception

It is my contention that there is a meaningful connection between behavior and perception – especially when it comes to adult loving relationships.

Most people know the meaning of the term “behavior.” In this Post, however, I am referring specifically to human behavior – which is the collection of behaviors exhibited by human beings and influenced by culture, attitudes, emotions, values, ethics, authority, rapport, hypnosis, persuasion, coercion and/or genetics.

Now let’s look at the concept of “perception.” In psychology and the cognitive sciences, perception is the process of acquiring, interpreting, selecting, and organizing sensory information. The word perception comes from the Latin perception-, percepio, , meaning "receiving, collecting, action of taking possession, apprehension with the mind or senses." Interestingly, in my recent pop-psych book, Mom and Dad’s Pearls of Wisdom: You Gotta Love ’Em, there is a section on “Perception.” In that section I talk about my conversation with Alison, an intriguing lady I met at a biker bar along the Gulf coast of Florida. As she and I were talking we also were watching some humorous antics being played out by some of the establishment's finest. Our chat included the phenomenon of “perception.” At the right moment, Alison leaned over to me and fittingly murmured, “I love my father’s Vince Lombardi like quote:
Perception isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.

I currently am working on a new self-help book in the area of adult loving relationships with a good friend and colleague, Dr. Bill Lambos. In our first draft of Chapter 4 of our developing book, we talk about behavior and perception:

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Behavior and Perception

One principle of human behavior that is pertinent to adult loving relationships that our experiences have shown to be true is:

People tend to behave in ways consistent with

their perception of other people’s expectations of them.

This principle became vividly clear when Bill Emener was talking with Paula. During one of their sessions, Paula was sharing that even though her husband, Leonard, would repeatedly say to her things such as, “I’ll be back in an hour – trust me,” “I won’t do that anymore – trust me,” and, “I’ll stop by the store and get that for you someday this week – trust me,” she continued to feel the need to always check-up on him, remind him and “pester him.” She felt that she could not trust Leonard. Bill said to her, “Paula, I wonder if it is possible that he behaves in untrustworthy ways because he figures that you won’t trust him anyway?” She calmly asked, “What are you trying to tell me, Dr. Emener?” “What I am suggesting to you, Paula,” Bill replied, “is that maybe if you want Leonard to behave in more trustworthy ways it would be helpful if you could begin to act toward him in more trustworthy kinds of ways.”

Paula pondered Bill’s thought and said that quite frequently when she would talk with Leonard, he would say to her, “It really doesn’t matter what I do, Paula, you never trust me anyway.” It was very difficult for Paula to begin to treat Leonard as if he were trustworthy. We are happy to share with you, however, that the two of them are doing much better in this area. In a recent session, when Bill was talking with the two of them, Leonard declared, “Of course I’m being more trustworthy and responsible to Paula. I have consciously tried to change my ways. However, I also know that she is beginning to trust me and believe me, and that feels good to me. I don’t want to spoil it!”

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At one point in my latest contemporary romance novel, If Ever Again… It’ll be for Love, Diane is talking with Michael about perception. She says to Michael, “Do you love me because of who I really am or who you think I am.” Michael grins and through a warm smile replies, “I love the person I think you are… and from my point of view, that’s the only you I know and that’s all that matters.”

I recall a time when I was dating a woman I shall refer to as Judy. When I sent flowers to her at her office, her first statement to me was, “What do you want?” And when I surprised her with tickets to a concert for her birthday, she asked me if I had a control problem. (The concert was great. I haven't see her since.)

Question: Have you ever had people perceive you in ways inconsistent with your behavior (or inconsistent with your perception of your behavior)?

Bill